Talking to a woman is mostly about listening when she is upset, confirming your listening by asking questions and validating her feelings. If you want to connect even better, hug her, and the woman will feel happy and understood. When she is ready for it, later than men think, you can talk about solutions.
This conversation approach doesn’t work for men. They are programmed differently, and a very different strategy is needed.
It is not about validating his feelings. If you want to make it worse, you hug him during an argument: this will only increase his stress level.
Men want to feel meaningful and successful, have social status, be capable, and feel in control. Talking about their feelings and being hugged makes them feel the object of pity, kind of the opposite of what they want.
How can you do better? The following conversational strategy works in most instances if you want to have a meaningful conversation with a man:
- Tackle it heads on, address the elephant, and ask the big question. Yes, with men, you can talk elephants in the room. But, when you lay out the problem, don’t be non-judgmental; don’t attack him or say it is his fault.
- Emphasise that he is okay and capable; praise some of his talents, especially those you think help solve the problem.
- Talk about goals & let him put the options on the table: Try to relate to his personal goals so they become meaningful. Ask first what he wants to do about it in that context.
- Focus on solutions and make a plan. Ask the question: What do you need to do to achieve your goal or fix the problem?
- Praise again: You nailed it, darling!
Using the conversational strategy of asking, listening, validating, and hugging will only stress him more.
Just focus on goals, try to connect them to the problem, always emphasise capabilities, praise them, call out good use of them, and go back to goals. Ask questions about solutions. What should you change? What support do you need from me? What is the main thing holding you back from achieving your goals right now?
Another helpful tip is to man up your language. A few examples:
- Don’t ask ‘Open up’ => instead we talk about ‘Teaming up’
- Don’t say ‘How do you feel’ to address his emotions => we say ‘Let’s talk about solutions’
- Don’t use the word ‘depressed’ => use ‘stressed’ or ‘down’ instead
- Don’t mention ‘self-love or care’ => we call that ‘self-maintenance’
- We don’t ‘talk about how we feel’ => we ‘tackle things head on’
- Be vulnerable => we talk ‘real you’ or ‘authentic you’
- When talking about the elephant, don’t say ‘I love you’ => say ‘I am impressed by you’
In the end, we all want to live meaningful lives, and one way they do that for men is by showing they are capable and do the right thing (have the proper morals). Using their capabilities, whatever they are, in combination with their moral compass, and getting social acknowledgement and confirmation (praise) is how they make themselves feel useful, it gives them purpose and keeps them going in life.
Sebastiaan de Bont
Write me! My email is de.bont@live.nl
Follow me on Instagram: @sebastiaandebont
